I just read about emotional maturity being the pre-requisite of spiritual maturity in one of Bro. Bo Sanchez’ article in Kerygma Magazine (April 2013 issue).  I can totally relate to it.  I am lacking emotional maturity.  I used to wake up at 4 in the morning to pray the litany of prayers for an hour.  I do this so I could at least finish my journal by 6AM and do my usual chores very early.  For months now, I stopped my routine.  Why?  I didn’t like myself.  I felt like a hypocrite.  How on earth can I pray such long prayers but would treat my boys differently.  I felt so emotionally immature.

I realized that prayer did not change me.  I’m still the irritable, impatient, yelling mother.  I want to be the proverbs 31 woman.  Why is it so difficult to be one?  I yell so much.  The Bible said, “Love is gentle, love is kind….etc.”  I am exactly the opposite of gentle, kind, and so on.   So I stopped praying altogether and tried to work on myself.  Right now, I’m just praying breathe prayers.  Whenever a situation pushes my very little patience, I would say “God, help me, please make me do this with love.”  I fail most of the time.  It makes me frustrated.  It makes me cry in desperation.  I’m beginning to dislike myself.

Just yesterday when we were in the cab, on our way to The Feast Makati, I told my husband that I’m starting to be the person I don’t like.  He knew what I mean but he just chuckled.  He loves me anyway.

I lacked spiritual maturity because I am emotionally immature.  So today, as I write this now (5:33 AM), I begin to examine myself.  Why am I angry?  Why am I so impatient?  Why do I get mad with the kids so easily?

Honest answer.

Lately, I want to be someone rather than a full time mother and wife, and I felt that my kids were hindering me with my goals.  I am torn between being with them and doing something about what I want.  It’s a struggle between what I want and what they need.  Of course, a good old mom would simply shrugged it with saying, “Children should come first or kids should be first priority.”  There are times when it is not as simple as that.  Practical questions needs practical answers.  I’m conflicted.